Tuesday, September 09, 2003

More proof that Evangelical Christians are the stupidest, most benighted people in the world: they actually believe that the fighting in Iraq is a precursor to Armageddon. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... hoo boy, I almost shit myself that time.

Add this to other brilliant concepts right-wing Christianity (actually, Christians in general, but it's the right wing that actually truly believes this medieval garbage, mainly because conservatives and fundamentalists are just plain stupid) has come up with: evolution is a lie, the world is only 3,000 years old, dinosaur skeletons are actually flying devil skeletons, Jesus Christ as Yahweh personified, life begins at conception. Listen, I am all for freedom of religion, but in this case i make an exception. My dad used to joke that the reasons the Romans were busy throwing Christians to the lions is because Christians are such fucking condescending obnoxious uptight assholes. "Blah blah blah, let me tell you the good news for the tenth fucking time today! Did you know that there is a special person who's invisible and has magic powers who loves you? yes and if you ask him (we've conveniently assigned gender) for anything, he'll grant it! Yes, this magic invisible being is running the universe but has time to get you your new washing machine." It was DC Dart who sang, "Closest thing to witches I've ever seen/ Let's get out the gas and set 'em on fire!"
I was on the phone with my mother the other night, ranting about the stupid Christians (she hates them too), when she made an interesting comment. "When I was a kid," she said, "Christian didn't mean what it does now. Back then, there were Jews and Christians, and that meant if you weren't Jewish, you were a Catholic or a Methodist or a Baptist or any other sect. Now, "Christian" refers to those nasty, spiteful stupid people. It's time the word was taken back, the same way the black people have to some degree taken back 'nigger'."

OK, so let me point out some things to our less-fortunate brethren. Number one: THERE IS NO GOD. Certainly not in the sense that YOU assholes believe in God. Number 2: THERE IS NO GRAND BATTLE COMING BETWEEN THE FORCES OF GOOD AND THE FORCES OF EVIL. LIFE IS NOT LORD OF THE RINGS. Number 3: Neither Superman nor Santa Claus nor the Easter Bunny exist either. Number 4: Everything your boy Jesus said was said before by Chinese philosophers, and said better. So shut up: you cribbed your truth from a far older culture and dumbed it down.

Here's how life works, Christians: people kill people. We do nasty horrible things to each other in our struggle to survive. This has been going on for thousands of years. There is nothing we can do to stop it. There will always be evil in the world: in fact if there was no evil, there would be no good. It has always been thus, and it will always be thus. "Hope" is a myth that keeps you from doing the things you need to do today, because "hopefully" things will change tomorrow. Hey, I'm still hoping that George Bush does a 180 degree turn on all his "policies."
Jesus is not coming down on his magic flying saucer to save everyone. As a matter of fact, he's not even coming down to save "just us Christians" as you so smugly believe.

My favorite thing about Christians is their approach to death. To hear these fools talk about it, death is like a big pile of cotton candy AND an all-day ticket to Disneyworld. Look at their stupid songs, all about how they can't wait to be dead so they can go to be with Jesus. What will they do there? Why they'll all join hands and sing 'round God's great goilden throne forever and ever. Considering that, by their own description, it's never night time in heaven and Jesus glows with the light of a thousand suns, I hope they're serving iced tea.
But then one of them dies and they cry and cry and wail. Like these idiots calling Paul Hill (just last week executed for murdering an abortion doctor) a martyr. "Waah, he's a martyr, don't kill him, please don't kill him." Hey Dummy, he wanted to be dead: he's like you, singing these songs about how he can't wait to get to heaven. You can't go until you're dead right? You fucking morons should be dancing in streets (lord knows I was dancing when I heard the news, and I hate christians)! Hint: if you dance in the highway, you may be dispatched to your imaginary reward all the quicker.

If there is one good thing about my impending fatherhood it is that I will have the opportunity to set at least one person right about Christians. Actually, I guess that's my duty: if the kid becomes a Christian of his own volition, I suppose I'll have to disown him.