Today is my little guy's first birthday!
Since I can't be there to witness this, I'd like to give out some gifts in his honor:
To UPenn: an eternity of curses, pain, heartache, despair, angst, depression, poverty, utter ruin and death: it's the least you fucking asshole deserve for the misery you've put Melissa and me through: i hope all your children, collectively, die slowly and agonizingly from some horrid disease while you watch. I hope this happens as your endowment goes bust. Fuck you.
To George Bush: for exponentially ruining the world for my kid, I give you inoperable dick cancer, curable only by amputation. Fuck you.
To Jeff Strong, Leo Eisenstein, and every other asshole who's foisted the "why don't you move to Canada" argument on me: I give you wool hats to pull over your faces and crayons to spell your names with. You have no fucking idea how complex the situation is, NO FUCKING IDEA, so I am also giving you corks to stick in your mouths so you don't have to torment me with the sound of your stupid asshole voices. Fuck you.
To the next person who tries to engage me in conversation, I offer this rope: by the time I'm done spewing, you'll wish you were dead anyway.
Get the fuck out of my way world. I'll kill your motherfucking ass.