Friday, February 04, 2005

A Letter to Dr. Agi

[This may have been published a year or two ago on a another portion of bcftu. I can't remember.]

>--- DR PAT AGI wrote:
> >
> > ATTENTION: President\CEO.
> >
> >
> >
> > I, on behalf of my other colleagues from different
> > organs of Federal Government of Nigeria (FGN) owned
> > parastatals decided to solicit your assistance as
> > regards transfer of the above-mentioned amount into
> > your bank account. This fund accrued from over
> > invoicing of various contract awarded in my
> > parastatal
> > to certain Foreign Contractors sometimes ago.
> >
> > We, as holders of sensitive position in our various
> > parastatals, were mandated by the Federal Government
> > to Scrutinise all payments made to certain foreign
> > Contractors and we discovered that some of the
> > contracts they executed were grossly over-invoiced
> > either by omission or commission. In the process
> > the
> > sum of US$27M (Twenty Seven Million US Dollars only)
> > was found lying in the parastatal suspense account
> > after the foreign contractors had been paid their
> > rightful dues for executing the said contracts.
> >
> > We all agreed that this over-invoiced amount be
> > transferred (for our own use) into a bank account
> > provided by a foreign partner, because we are
> > government workers and the Code of Conduct does not
> > allow us to operate foreign accounts.
> >
> > However, we have succeeded in transferring some of
> > this money precisely US$5.0M (Five Million US
> > Dollars
> > only) into a foreign account in MOROCCO (North
> > Africa), but the provider of the account in MOROCCO
> > is
> > up to some mischief and refuses to comply to the
> > earlier mutual agreement by insisting that the total
> > amount be paid into his nominated bank account
> > before
> > disbursement will take effect. If for a meagre sum
> > of
> > US$5.0M (Five Million US Dollars only) we are not
> > compensated, is it when the balance of US$22M
> > (Twenty-two Million US Dollars)is transferred that
> > we
> > will be sure of our full compensation? Of course,
> > this
> > abuse of trust and inhumanity calls for sober
> > reflection and search for absolute trust.
> >
> > Thus we are seeking your unwavering assistance that
> > the remaining amount of US$22M can be speedily
> > processed and fully remitted into your nominated
> > bank
> > account. On successful remittance of the fund into
> > your account, you will be compensated with 30% of
> > the
> > amount for your assistance and services.
> >
> > So far, much have been said and due to our sensitive
> > positions, we cannot afford a slip in this
> > transaction
> > neither can we give out identity as regards our
> > respective offices, but whereby cordial relationship
> > is established, smooth operations commences, you
> > will
> > be furnished with details of all you deserves to
> > know.
> >
> > I am at your disposition to entertain any question
> > from you with respect to this transaction, so
> > contact
> > me immediately through my e:mail for further
> > information on the requirements and procedure for
> > this
> > transaction.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Please, treat with the strictest confidentiality and
> > utmost urgency.
> >
> > Yours faithfully
> >

My response to the good Doctor

>Date: Fri, 8 Aug 2003 10:48:43 -0700 (PDT)
>Dear Dr. Agi,
>Thank you for trusting me, a complete stranger, with
>this grave responsibility. I can assure you, I can be
>the parasol. I am sorry about your problems with the
>Moroccans, and I am particularly attuned to your use
>of the word "mischief," because that is exactly how
>Moroccans are: mischievious! I was in Morocco 5 years
>ago on business, and all I wanted was to get to the
>hotel and the cabbie drove around for almost an hour.
>And then the hotel coffee wasn't any good, they didn't
>even have Chockfull O Nuts!
>Back to your offer. While I am intrigued by your
>well-thought out plan, I have a slight problem
>providing you with my bank account number. As you may
>know, the economy of the United States has become very
>worrisome as of late, what with Mr. Bush's tax cuts,
>the deficit and of course the cost of fighting the war
>on terror. Because of this, I have withdrawn my
>actual money from the money bank and have invested it
>into a different sort of bank altogether: my money is
>now in a sperm bank. That's right: everything I make,
>I use to buy, and sell, sperm. I am making a killing
>this way: everyone wants to buy sperm. And i am sure
>such an investment on your part would make you a
>killing as well: a lot of my sperm is bought from
>famous celebrities, like Sylvester Stallione, Tattoo,
>Conrad Bain, and the guy who used to be in the Dr.
>Pepper commercials before he was in "American Werewolf
>in London." The most popular sperm so far though is
>from former President of the United States, Jerald
>Ford. For some reason, people like him a lot,
>probably for the Nixon pardon etc.
>Dr. Agi, as a doctor, you surely know how necessary
>sperm is to a country's economic well being: without
>sperm to fertilize the eggs, you don't have people to
>put to work in sweatshops. No sperm= no people= no
>one to do the work= no money in the bank!
>if you send me your bank name, address, account
>number, and of course the fax number, and I would be
>glad to guide you through the steps of investing in
>Celebri-Sperm. I am sure it is going to make a lot of
>money, and this is your chance to get in on the ground
>yours truly,
>Brendan Skwire
>President, Celebri-sperm