Friday, April 21, 2006

It's Back

Depressed again. It hit me like a Super Bowl tackle.

Sam stuff, as usual. I don't know why I bother sometimes: it's not like Melissa's going to buy a car, or put pressure on her parents to get him down here once a month.

The status quo suits them juuuust fine: out of sight out of mind, right?
I may be crazy, but I ain't stupid.

So how the hell did this happen? you're wondering. Just a moment ago he was having a grand ol' time slagging The Band, and now this?

Here's how it happened: I had to drive over to Northeast Philly to pick up the amp I dropped off last week. On the way to my tech's shop, I pass by a Navy installation just north of the Boulevard. On the grounds are a slew of fighter jets, helicopters, and other warplanes.

As a little kid growing up in Newport, RI, the best weekends were when my parents would drive us up to Battleship Cove, just outside of Fall River. They have the Battleship Massachusetts, the Destroyer USS Kennedy, the USS Lionfish, a WW2 submarine, among others and all of them are open for tours. You think the Battleship New Jersey across the river from Philly is cool? Try multiplying that by 10. That's how cool Battleship Cove is for a little kid.
So on the way back from picking up my amp, I pulled onto the base, and rolled down my window at the guard's station.

"Hey buddy," I asked. "I noticed all the planes and copters on the lawn. I have a two year old son, and he's just crazy about planes, trains, all that stuff. I was wondering if you let civilians on the grounds, because he would get a really big kick out of all the jets."

The guy told me anytime was OK, as long as I checked in with the base manager. "It's never been a problem before." I thanked him, pulled a u-turn and headed back towards work, and began to think how much fun Sam will have when he visits next.

When he visits next. Which is a month away. And I get him for a whole fuckin' week, a whole seven fucking days including the day I pick him up and return him, so really it's more like 5 days. And I shouldn't make such a big deal because as Melissa says "God almighty, it's only been a month" but of course having him for more than a week is out-of-the-question because keeping him for more than a week would break Melissa's heart (her words) and besides, I'm a step away from a kidnapper anyway, because i get sad when he leaves.

I don't know why I don't drop out. Maybe I'm a masochist.


Blogger The Tattered Coat said...

Don't drop out, Brendan. You mean too much to too many people.

Things will fall into place; and if they don't, you work like hell to get them there.

This poem doesn't totally fit your situation, but it fits your mood; and I think that its message is pretty profound.

And besides, it's National Poetry Month. It's by Galway Kinnell.


Wait, for now.
Distrust everything if you have to.
But trust the hours. Haven’t they
carried you everywhere, up to now?
Personal events will become interesting again.
Hair will become interesting.
Pain will become interesting.
Buds that open out of season will become interesting.
Second-hand gloves will become lovely again;
their memories are what give them
the need for other hands. And the desolation
of lovers is the same: that enormous emptiness
carved out of such tiny beings as we are
asks to be filled; the need
for the new love is faithfulness to the old.

Don’t go too early.
You’re tired. But everyone’s tired.
But no one is tired enough.
Only wait a little and listen:
music of hair,
music of pain,
music of looms weaving all our loves again.
Be there to hear it, it will be the only time,
most of all to hear
the flute of your whole existence,
rehearsed by the sorrows, play itself into total exhaustion.

12:55 AM  
Blogger Brendan said...

Thanks Matt, much obliged.

It's been a rough couple of days.
I realize it's difficult to believe, but a couple of years ago, I was in a good mood about 85% of the time, maybe more. I mean sure, low times like everyone else, but nothing like what I've been dealing with since August.

Seriously, all I want is to be in a truly good mood again, even if it's just for a fleeting visit.

Dropping out isn't an option: Sam and I bonded a long time ago, and leaving now would make me lose my mind. Unfortunately, sticking around is also making me lose my mind.

Also, my inlaws would do a victory dance if I disappeared, and I can't have that. If anyone's gonna be dancing, it's gonna be me, doing the entire Riverdance routine on their graves. After I piss on it.

6:30 PM  
Blogger The Tattered Coat said...

lol. that's the spirit!

3:01 AM  

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