Sam Went Home Today

I'll get into any post-visit depression later. Right now, I want to simply, and hopefully briefly, describe my evening and morning.

We went to my friend Ryan's house for a cookout in Northern Liberties. I know Ryan from Drinking Liberally: he and his wife Amy have two boys about Sam's age. It was a really good time.

Because Melissa's folks were unable to do the Syracuse run this month (and I have my specualtions about that inability, I can tell you), Melissa took a bus down to Philly arriving late last night. Because it saved a couple of hundred dollars, she booked a flight out of LaGuardia Airport for 10:00 AM today. I knew that if I drove to LaGuardia I would have to take the day off from work, and I have no intention of wasting my vacation time on driving my ex around New York City. Instead, we went to Port Authority, where a shuttle bus heads out to Queens and the airport every 20 minutes or so.

This still meant getting up at 4:00 in the morning. Typically if I have something important to do in the early morning, my body releases adrenaline or something the night before, rendering sleep impossible. Put it this way: I was in bed by 11:15 PM. I didn't fall asleep until about 3:00. I am feeling REALLY fucked up right now. REALLY fucked up.

Despite all the rancor that's boiling away in my guts like the sulphury fart of a festering onion, I managed to be civil and even engaging during the drive. Do you have any idea how uncomfortable that was? Even worse was reaching back and holding Sam's hand. I won't lie: last night while singing bedtime songs, I cried like a baby. I couldn't even get two verses of Wheels on the Bus out of my throat without choking on sobs, and when the kid started singing In the Pines again, I damn near lost it. When we held hands this morning in the car, I could feel my heart jumping into my throat and my eyes began to well up, but there is no way I'm going to let a fucking MacIntyre see me cry. I'll gouge my own eyes out before I let that happen. I may not have much, but I do have my dignity and my pride.

So yeah, really fucked up and spacey today. I want to drop by Drinking liberally and grab a beer after work, but I might drop off at the bar and start snoring, kinda like the junky crashed out on the front steps of my job today.

Oh, and For Better or For Worse is SO FUCKING ANNOYING TODAY. AND YESTERDAY.