You know, everyone's complaining about the torture chambers and rape rooms in cell block 1A, and the Army may be scapegoating Janis Karpinski, but NO ONE one is saying anything about how using Jessica Simpson's new line of "body desserts" might make the Iraqis a little less edgy about their tortu-- I mean interrogations.

I mean, if you're gonna force a guy to suck another guy's dick to humiliate him into answering questions, it just doesn't seem right to deprive him of Ms. Simpsons "deliciously kissable" items like Belly Button Love Potion, Hot Body Topping and Whipped Body Cream with Candy Sprinkles.. What's the point of raping a prisoner with a plunger if you're not going to soften him up with Powdered Body Shimmer, applied with a "Tickle me Anywhere" feather applicator?

We guys already smell bad enough as it is, and the only thing worse than getting a mouthful of uninvited cock at gunpoint is when that cock belongs to a smelly hairy guy. Especially in the desert heat; you gotta figure Ahmed's junk is pretty sweaty and stanky. A little of Jessica's "Sweet Scrotum with Mint Chocolate Chip" could fix that in a jiffy. Same with Fabreeze. We should be sending Fabreeze to Iraq by the case: the way I see it, if you simply MUST attach electrodes to a prisoner and dress him up as an extra from Birth of a Nation (scroll down, third picture on the left hand side), it hardly seems fair that his costume smell like the last guy. And with Fabreeze you know, you don't have to go to the dry cleaner.