Thursday, October 13, 2005

Faithful America and Letters About the Obvious

I subscribe, for whatever reason, to a lefty group called Faithful America. I think I joined up during the Kerry campaign, when all of a sudden only Republicans had the right to be Christian or religious or whatever. I'm not a particularly religious guy (like Jesse Ventura, I kind of believe it's "a sham and a crutch for weak-minded people who need strength in numbers"), but hey if it's annoying to the religious right, why not.

Over the past year, I've received a number of emails from Faithful America, signed anti-war petitions, contributed money to Katrina victims and tsunami victims, etcetera, etcetera.

Today I got an email asking me to thank my Senators who voted in support of the anti-torture amendment that George Bush has promised will receive his first veto ever. Like the rest of the email campaigns I receive, Faithful America helpfully provides a model letter which can be edited (none of these letters get read by anyone; they're just dropped in a stack on some hapless staffer's lap), and so I gave it my best shot.

The thing is, I don't see why I should be thanking someone for righting a wrong they never should have committed in the first place. Thank Senator Specter for voting to prohibit torture of detainees? The real question here is why did he vote to permit in the first place?

"Thank you for paying for my medical care after you deliberately broke my arm."
"Thank you so much for paying to repair that priceless ming vase you destroyed on purpose with your 9-iron."
"It wasn't right of you to rape my wife, but thanks for picking up the dry-cleaning tab and getting the blood out of the sheets."

So here is my letter to Senators Specter and Santorum:

I am writing to thank you for your support of the amendment to the defense bill outlawing torture and degrading treatment of those in U.S. custody. That must have been one tough decision to actually come out against torturing people. Boy your morals are really impressive, that you would actually have a vote to decide whether to act like compassionate people or brutes. Most of us would just see this as common sense, but hey at least you took a vote.

I still think you're a scumbag for supporting the bankruptcy bill, the tax cuts and the PATRIOT Act, and kissing George Bush's stinky heinie again and again, but hey I'm not gonna look a gift horse in the mouth.

Whoop-dee-doo, you don't support torture anymore. Maybe someday you'll also vote to agree that puppies are cute.


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