Monday, May 12, 2003

"Hello, Senator Santorum's office."

"Hi there!. My name is Brendan Skwire. I'm a Republican living in Pennsylvania and a constituent of the Senator. I voted for Senator Santorum before, and I plan on voting for him again, but I need his advice on a matter of some importance."

"Sure, what can I do for you?"

"Well, I've read his comments to the AP about the homosexuals, and I'm sure there's lots of food for thought there. And I understand his distinction between homosexuals and homosexual acts. While
I'm not gay, my wife and I are nevertheless concerned, because... well, I think we've been practicing homosexual acts. I just want to make sure that we're not homosexuals ourselves, and that we're not doing anything my Senator would disapprove of. Could you
tell me what specific sex acts Senator Santorum endorses?"

"[chuckle] Well, uhh.. the Senator hasn't given us a list of approved acts and he was only commenting on.."

"Like, sometimes my wife and I have anal sex, which is something I know the homosexuals do. Both my wife and I enjoy this, and I don't want to give up putting my penis in her rectum and thrusting until I ejacualte in her bowels. I guess I didn't consider that this was
a homosexual act until it was brought to my attention by the senator. Is it OK for me to keep putting my penis in my wife's anus?"

"Sir, Mr. Santorum was only commenting on the right to privacy.."

"Yes, I know and that's why I'm concerned. I'm a Republican because I believe in small government and keeping the government off my back.. And I'm worried that the police are going to be bursting into my bedroom while my wife and I are unwittingly commiting
homosexual acts. Please, tell me what we can or can't do. I don't want to be breaking any laws. What about oral sex or analingus?"

"The Senator does not endorse having the police come into your bedroom, he was only commenting on the law the way it applies to the Texas case."

"But he said so, he said there's no right to privacy. I read what happened to those two men in Texas. The police came into the wrong house looking for drug dealers or something and found the two men having sex and arrested them. Now look, just because my wife and I like anal sex doesn't mean we've brought the labrador or the kids into the bedroom, but the Senator DOES say it's a slippery
slope. I love my wife, but I don't want to turn into a pedophile! Now please answer the question: is it OK for my wife to continue licking my scrotum (I think the gays call this teabagging)?"

"Sir, sodomy is illegal in texas.."

"Yes, but I read that it's only illegal for two men, and not for a heterosexual couples; isn't that a case of equal protection?"

"Well, Mr. Santorum deosn't think the federal courts should be getting involved in what he believes to be an issue for the individual states."

"That's interesting, because one of the reasons I supported Rick is because he stands for states' rights. If he thinks it's an issue for the states, why did he side with the federal government when it came to similar legislation relevant to personal behavior, like the
assisted suicide laws in Oregon or the marijuana co-ops in California? Both of those are states' rights issues too, aren't they? That seems kind of inconsistent, doesn't it?"




"Look, Miss, I think you know by this time I started this call to bust Santorum's ass (so to speak) but let me give it to you straight (so to speak). I can tell from the sound of your voice that you're probably in your late 20s or something, and since you're working in a senator's office, I'm assuming you went to college. The fact is you and I both know people who are gay, and we both know that Santorum's characterizations are false. That's true, isn't it now?"

"[chuckle] Sir, I really can't speak for the Senator, but if you'd like a letter, I'm happy to take your name."

"Oh? But you work for him, you'd figure he'd give you some kind of speaking points. Ah well... look, here's my name and address. Please tell the Senator to get in touch, because I don't want to be gettin' all gay with my wife. I'm looking forward to a detailed letter about sex practices endorsed by Mr.Santorum."

"Well, I'll be pleased to pass along your comments."