Monday, October 17, 2005

A Modest Proposal for the New York Times

Mr. Sulzberger and Mr. Keller:

I read your account of the Judy Miller scandal, after which I read Ms. Miller's account, followed by lengthy analysis at the Washington Post, Editor and Publisher, and a number of reliable blogs. I found that they, like I, were disgusted by the contradictions inherent in both pieces. You promised your readers a full accounting, and delivered bupkes.

Needless to say, I will not take your newspaper's reporting at face value ever again. Judy Miller should be fired, after which the two of you, who enabled this nonsense and abeted the administration in the lies that led us into Iraq, should apologize the the American people, and resign. First Jayson Blair and now this.

It is probably too much to expect dishonest cowards like yourselves to commit ritual suicide, but I do not believe it is not too much to ask.

Pistols and shotguns are readily available at sporting goods stores everywhere (and some department stores as well), although after splurging on Judy's steak dinner and massage at the Ritz Carlton perhaps you need to "pinch" your pennies (do you get that one, Mr. Sulzberger?). I suggest one of the following options:

** Draw a nice hot bath, and avail yourself of any one of Gillette's fine line of razor blades. Remember, it's "up the highway" not "across the street" when you
make those incisions into your arteries. Make sure to do this in the bathtub, to avoid any mess on your fine towels and bathmats.

** Rope, made from nylon or all-natural jute, is inexpensive, and a noose is not a complicated knot. There are many handy places in Manhattan from where you could suspend your rope: Central Park comes to mind. Remember to put the knot on the side, so as to snap your neck when you jump off the stool, hastening death. If you leave the knot at the back of your neck, you will simply choke to death, but really, either method would work.

** Gas up your Jaguar, Cadillac Escalade, or whatever obscenely expensive car you guardians of the public's right to know are driving these days, and park it in your garage. Pour yourself a nice martini (maybe two or three), put in some relaxing music, close the garage door, and let the engine run as you drift off to sleep. Or skip the whole carbon monoxide thing and just douse yourself with unleaded and strike a match.

** You may simply wish to take the elevator to the top floor of the New York Times Building and take the plunge, although your eventual collision with the sidewalk may result in the death of an innocent bystander. However, given your enablement of the Iraq war, through Ms. Miller's reporting, the deaths of innocents probably doesn't concern you all that much.

** Finally, please don't forget to leave a note.

Best wishes,
Brendan Skwire


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