Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Tired, grumpy, kinda low

Didn't sleep well last night, and now I have that odd sour taste in the back of my mouth. I didn't have enough coffee either, that certainly didn't help. Couple of grants here at work are stalled, waiting for letters of support, adjusted budgets, the whole nine yards.

I am in the doghouse again with Sam's mom, probably because I told her that unless a job opens up that pays at least what I make now, there is no way I'm moving up to Vermont for a repeat of 2004.

You may recall I was either unemployed, working for a temp agency, or (at my lowest point) working in kitchens.

You may also recall that one of the reasons Melissa elected to stay in Montreal was she didn't want to be in a situation in which I had no money, besides all of the promises Mcgill University made to her, which I have conceded was a better deal than Penn was offering.

You may also recall that it was this period of unemployment and underemployment that convinced her parents that I was a jerk.

So unless there's a job waiting for me that pays AT LEAST as much as I'm making now (about $32K, with benefits), I'm not moving up there. And of course on top of that there's the goddam weather and the isolation of Vermont, even in a city like Burlington, which is about the size of west philly, maybe smaller.

I explained my debts: that were it not for the income from my housemates, I couldn't pay what I pay now for child support; that even with the housemates, after I pay my bills I only have a couple of hundred to tide me over for two weeks at a time (some of this is because I always overpay on my credit cards, and to absorb this I've cut down on my beer intake by 50% to save some money). Her response the other night was "get a second job" and then a diatribe about how she works 20 hours as a coach, 35 hours at the restaurant, and has Sam on top of that.

In her opinion, I should "get a restaurant job", never mind that the restaurant schedule doesn't fit with the 9-5 world, never mind that I'm THIRTY SIX FUCKING YEARS
OLD and I've earned the right to have one job that pays enough to cover me. Never mind that the bills that put me in a hole are a result of overpaying so i won't have higher debts down the road.

Look, I am pissed off that McGill welched on the job offer, but for her to claim the coaching position is just bs: she wanted that position, and that was another main reason for staying in Montreal. She described it as "her dream job", this is what she wants to do with her life. It's like me getting the bass slot for Tom Petty. or Slayer, and then complaining that I'm never home.

For every decision Melissa made, I begged, BEGGED her to do the opposite. But I'm the one who doesn't get it. I'm the guy who fucked everything up.

Frankly, I'm not sure what I don't get. That she's overwhelmed and working her ass off? I get that. And I also get that if she hadn't decided to stay in Montreal, I'd be there 24/7 to split the chores, the childcare, and the income. That she wishes she had more free time on her hands? I get that. And I also get that if she hadn't decided to stay in Montreal, she'd have a fulltime father to watch Sam whenever she needed a break, and it wouldn't cost a dime.

I don't like it that she's overwhelmed. It makes me really sad. If I could, i'd go up to Montreal and beat the living crap out of the guy who welched on the Mcgill job, beating him until he gave in. But I can't do that. It would be illegal.

But maybe there's something else I don't get.
I don't get it.


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