Monday, April 03, 2006


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I haven't seen Sam since March, and Melissa doesn't think she can't afford to bring him down at the end of April.

I spent $5,000.00 buying a late-model van so I could pick him up in Syracuse for visits. I'm still looking for work in Vermont so I can live closer to Quebec, basically prepared to turn my back on the life I've built for the past 6 years in Pennsylvania, even though the odds of affording a house and findign work in Vermont are slim to none.

Melissa doesn't drive, can't afford driving instruction, a driver's license, insurance, or a car. For their part, melissa's parents find driving down to Syracuse more than once a month "inconvenient" and they make her pay for all the gas.

So maybe I won't see Sam in April either.
Funny to have a little boy you barely know.
Maybe it gets easier with time. And maybe the reason so many dads drop out is, like me, they just get tired of fucking hurting so much every waking minute of the day and half the night. That's really what it's like: I know I complain about it so much its ceased to be interesting, but the ache gets set off by every little thing, any little thing. So don't ask me Hank/ why do you drink?/ (Hank) why do you roll smoke?/ Why must you live out the songs you wrote?

Cus when Sam arrives, I start counting down the days til he leaves; and when he leaves I start counting the days that he was here; and when he's gone, I just wonder when I see the boy again.

Grey thoughts, grey day. And grey hair too!


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