Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Sam Went Home Today

I'll get into any post-visit depression later. Right now, I want to simply, and hopefully briefly, describe my evening and morning.

We went to my friend Ryan's house for a cookout in Northern Liberties. I know Ryan from Drinking Liberally: he and his wife Amy have two boys about Sam's age. It was a really good time.

Because Melissa's folks were unable to do the Syracuse run this month (and I have my specualtions about that inability, I can tell you), Melissa took a bus down to Philly arriving late last night. Because it saved a couple of hundred dollars, she booked a flight out of LaGuardia Airport for 10:00 AM today. I knew that if I drove to LaGuardia I would have to take the day off from work, and I have no intention of wasting my vacation time on driving my ex around New York City. Instead, we went to Port Authority, where a shuttle bus heads out to Queens and the airport every 20 minutes or so.

This still meant getting up at 4:00 in the morning. Typically if I have something important to do in the early morning, my body releases adrenaline or something the night before, rendering sleep impossible. Put it this way: I was in bed by 11:15 PM. I didn't fall asleep until about 3:00. I am feeling REALLY fucked up right now. REALLY fucked up.

Despite all the rancor that's boiling away in my guts like the sulphury fart of a festering onion, I managed to be civil and even engaging during the drive. Do you have any idea how uncomfortable that was? Even worse was reaching back and holding Sam's hand. I won't lie: last night while singing bedtime songs, I cried like a baby. I couldn't even get two verses of Wheels on the Bus out of my throat without choking on sobs, and when the kid started singing In the Pines again, I damn near lost it. When we held hands this morning in the car, I could feel my heart jumping into my throat and my eyes began to well up, but there is no way I'm going to let a fucking MacIntyre see me cry. I'll gouge my own eyes out before I let that happen. I may not have much, but I do have my dignity and my pride.

So yeah, really fucked up and spacey today. I want to drop by Drinking liberally and grab a beer after work, but I might drop off at the bar and start snoring, kinda like the junky crashed out on the front steps of my job today.


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