Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Sunshine in the Shadows

There's a great song by The Carter Family called Sunshine in the Shadows. I can't say that I subscribe to the faith in Jesus part, but the title is, to me, evocative.

For the past two years, going on three, my life has been largely shadows with rare spots of sunshine. Last week, I went through an incredibly dark patch of shadows. I've been slowly learning to predict these dark psots: if Sam comes to visit, it's nearly guaranteed that within a week of his departure, I'm ready to throw myself off in front of the subway. Last week's episode was aggravated by all the other worries I've been shouldering: high-interest credit card debt, my enormous student loan, teetering on the edge of bankruptcy, and waiting for my home-equity loan to process.

Today, I got my spot of sunshine: the loan application was approved, the papers will be signed on Saturday, and by Wednesday, I'll have the funding available for hardwood floors and wall-to-wall, purchasing the car I don't want but need, and to pay off my remainign small debts.

Still, the sunshine is filtered through darker shadows that loom overhead: Melissa called to tell me Sam is talking even more and getting more directly communicative. He carried his bag of diapers out of his room, brought them right up to her and said "Dirty!" and hopped on the sofa waiting to be changed. I'm really excited: it's a huge step forward in terms of his communication skills. On the other hand it's yet another mileston that I didn't get to see.

I won't see Sam again until November 19, when he comes down for Thanksgiving. He's leaving on the 27th, so I get a week. I also don't get him for Christmas, and it looks like I'll be missing his 2nd birthday. I wasn't there for his first birthday either.

You might be saying, "Lighten up, man! At least you get to see him. And you got the money you need, so just chill out and be happy for a minute or two," and you would probably be right.

But the loan is nothing more than transferring my high-interest debt to a low-interest debt, and i wouldn't be buying the car if it wasn't for the commute to pick up and return Sam. The home improvements are to jack up the value on the house so I can make more money on it when I sell. The rest of the money is for facilitating the move to Burlington, a city which, as previously mentioned, I am unenthusiastic about moving to.

Sunshine in the Shadows. Story of my life.

Update: Things just took a turn for the worse with regard to Melissa. As I said, for every one thing that goes well in my life, at least 3 other things go poorly.


Blogger Phillybits said...

What happened?

11:19 PM  

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