Wednesday, November 16, 2005

the depression again

I was doing well, but the depression began creeping up last night. I don't even know what it's from at this point. No appetite, don't want to socialize with anyone.

A few weeks ago, I discovered a cat had broken into the house through the basement window and pissed somewhere. I can smell the ammonia, and my allergies are kicking in. I think I know why people kill the damn things.

I should be in a pretty stellar mood these days, but I am again in Shotgun City.

Sam is coming down from Friday the 18 through the 27th, but I am thinking of cancelling the whole thing. It's such a short time, and every time he visits I'm miserable for two weeks afterwards.

Sometimes I just want to call the whole thing off, set up an automatic payment system and forget about the whole thing. How long do you think it would take of no communication for Sam to be out of my head, especially if I didn't have the payment reminder every month? A year? Two years? Five, before he became a distant memory?

This shit simply can't go on like this, it simply can't go on. Sell the house, move to Mexico, start over.

That's not gonna happen. I'm gonna trudge north in a little over a year, and hang around in miserable, tiny, frozen Burlington, while I wait for Melissa to inevitably tell me she's moving with Sam to Toronto, and she hopes that won't be a problem.

Am I being paranoid about that? I guess so, but that doesn't mean I'm wrong.


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