Thursday, April 06, 2006

How to Respond to Dishonest GOP Mailings

Grand Old Preying

Political fundraising solicitations cater to the lowest common denominator, a fact with which everyone other than those in the lowest common denominator will probably agree. Recently, however, I received a solicitation that might give pause to even the lowest common denominator.

The solicitation was from the Republican side of the aisle, but Democrats should not feel too superior: Their communications are certainly not aimed at rocket scientists. Still, this particular Republican effort sets a new low.

North Carolina Sen. Elizabeth Dole, a graduate of Duke University and Harvard Law School, was, in her capacity as chair of the National Republican Senatorial Committee, the signatory of the covering letter. I hope her signature was nominal only and not indicative of any actual awareness of the contents of the solicitation.

Life is too short to dissect the solicitation point by point. Let's just hit the highlights, saving the totally outrageous item, the item that aims below the lowest common denominator, for last.

I'm sure everyone knows what this guy is talking about. I get gallons of these things every day, asking me to fill out fake polls and questionnaires "to guide the direction of the party", followed by the inevitable plea for money. It's offensive, and usually goes in the trash.

Dole's solicitation certainly looks official. In the upper left corner is an official-looking American eagle. In white letters over a black bar above the address window is "U.S. INDIVIDUAL RESIDENT." In the bottom left corner is "Form 1163 (2006) Return Enclosed." [snip]

After several paragraphs is the slightly sinister warning, underlined in part: "DO NOT DESTROY YOUR SURVEY! The enclosed Republican Leadership Survey is an OFFICIAL REPUBLICAN PARTY DOCUMENT. Your Survey is REGISTERED IN YOUR NAME ONLY and MUST BE ACCOUNTED FOR upon completion of this project." [snip]

And then comes the insult to the intellect of even the lowest common denominator. Aunt Maude has three choices. She can check "YES!" she wants to help defend the Republican Senate Majority with a contribution of $500, or several lesser alternatives. She can check "No," she does not wish to participate in "this vital Republican Senate Leadership Survey," but she does want to give a generous donation of $500, or several lesser alternatives, to "help build Republican grassroots support for President Bush and his agenda."

Or she can claim membership in the group below the lowest common denominator by checking No: "I do not wish to participate in the Survey, nor do I wish to make a donation to help the Republican Party. I am returning my Survey Document, along with a contribution of $11 to help cover the cost of tabulating and redistributing my Survey."
Emphasis mine.

"Tabulating and redistributing", my eye. My BROWN eye, the one wedged between my ass cheeks.

It just so happens I received this particular mailing, and like all the others it comes with a business reply envelope (when you're fooling pwoplw into sending you $11.00, you don't worry so much about the business reply expense). We all know how business reply envelopes work: person who sent you the mail pays for the return postage.
Here's how to deal with this sort of extortion.

1. Go to the grocery. Buy a fish. Any kind of fish, but make sure it's fresh. Whole fish, a couple pounds of cod filets, what have you.

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2. Wrap the fish in saran wrap, and let it sit in a nice warm place for a couple of days.

3. Wrap the fish in brown packing paper, affix the business reply envelope to the package, and send it on its way. Wrap the package with as much starpping tape as possible (duct tape is even better, because it's harder to remove and weighs more. DO NOT INCLUDE A RETURN ADDRESS. MUTILATE THE BAR CODE ON THE ENVELOPE SO THEY CAN'T TRACK YOU.

other items to send include: the rest of your junk mail; pork chops; garbage; a cinderblock; back issues of "Hustler". Remeber, you're going for weight. Throw in your kids' old UNO deck, handfuls of paperclips, sand, anything that adds weight.

Unfortunately, this won't prevent future mailings. In fact, you may even get more, which means you get to mail more fish!


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